The impending arrival of a little one can bring so many emotions.
The moment those two blue strips appeared before my eyes, there was just a sense of shock and disbelief. This could not be happening. Not now. And certainly not to me. I saw this as a problem to be dealt with just like the other problems I had. This was just another bump in the road. Certainly not big enough to distract me from what I ought to be doing. The matter had to be dealt with cold efficiency. The Dad had no opinion on the matter.
The moment the doctor pointed out what was inside of me, I grew protective and guarded. I knew that my initial solution to the predicament would never come to pass. This decision was mine and mine alone. No one could tell me what to do. And so I came to keep the darling thing.
The moment I realized that there were going to be responsibilities, some of which I haven’t even heard of, there was an air of dread and panic about me. I was someone that took hold of herself (and others) when crisis came. This was certainly panic mode. I was fuming that the Dad didn’t feel compelled enough to panic at the long list of things we had to prepare before the bundle came out. If I am to do this, I want to do it right. Not perfect, mind you. Just right. I would want to be prepared for ANYTHING that came at me. I mean, that’s how you’re supposed to handle life, right? And this was just an addition to it, right? Mental chaos ensued.
The moment she started making her presence known, I was proud that I didn’t muck it up, just yet. But with the physical changes came the mental and emotional stress. You can’t be pregnant and yet be selfish. The effects of carrying a whole other humain being inside of you is sure to take it’s toll on you. The stretchmarks alone are a testament to your unselfish act. Because of the infant’s growth inside of you, your hormones, your skin, your nails, your hair begins to change. And the most damaging part of all, you’ve got to say goodbye to your designer wardrobes and shoes. Your sense of self is totally shattered. But I leave it to you to see that as a positive or a negative thing.
When she finally comes out, there will be much pain and joy and tears and happiness. But until that day, if you ask me how I’m feeling, I’ll mostly answer fear. Fear because I know that her presence will change lives. Fear because I know that I will have changed from my previous life and change again when she’s finally here. I won’t be myself anymore. You will see the old me, perhaps in the way that wear my hair or how I attack my food, but I will have changed. My laugh will no longer be the boisterous laughter of a single self. My smiles will no longer be the product of vile jokes. My touch will no longer contain the aggression of a life yet to be fulfilled.
Everything will be filled with a different sort of life. And we will all see things in a different kind of light. Why don’t you come along for the ride?
