Today, I finished my fourth crossword puzzle!!!
I’ve only posted the first one.
The third is still at home under a pile of tissue and chocolate bar wrappers. I know, I know. How unorganized of me. *gasp*
Today
Get a clue.
Must I provide the answer? Always?
***
My second crossword puzzle
Early September achievement
HA.
Because of my current situation and the state of depression that it has left me in, I need to pack up and leave the city for a couple of days. Just a couple of days to clear my head and .. be. I think this break has come at an opportune time. Although my reasons were originally to preserve my adik circle of friends, it has now grown into a full-blown “self searching” trip. And to tell the truth, I have no idea why I have to go up into the mountains. The metropolis is as good enough to hide out for a couple of days. It’s just one of those times that I need to feel physical pain. (current status: comfortably numb) Because let’s face it, I am just a doormat when it comes to dealing with my heart
Hopefully when I come back, things will be different .. I will be different. And changed. And better. And stronger. And ready to defy gravity.
It’s when you get up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom and when you come back to bed, it’s colder somehow.
THERE. Things have finally been said. At least now there’ll be no “what ifs” and “maybes”. I don’t know the TRUTH but I do know the decision. I’m just glad to know what the fuck I have to do and move on from there. To wherever, I don’t know. Just moving, I think, would be a good idea. I feel like I’m going to die if I just keep waiting for someone to grow up or wishing that some change would come. You and you and nothing but you Miles and piles of you Pushing through windows and bursting through walls en route to the sky…
And you keep thinking if it was your fault or maybe somehow, if you did something, or were someone else, they’d love you or change or notice. Not really. And it hurts to sell your soul and find out that what you’ve gotten from that bargain is still isn’t enough to fix the problem. You can only give so much and take so little. The betrayal just pierces your heart over and over again. Every morning it kills you to get up, to look in the mirror, to get dressed, to go to work. You die every single fucken day. And I guess that’s just the punishment. Not to die once. But infinitely.
You didn’t see it coming…the realization that “it’s over” just hit you…and it hurts. No one could have prepared you for the blow of losing the connection with another human being. Whether you decided to end the relationship or it was ended for you by a break up or death, you may experience symptoms of grief and periodic despair. It is not easy finding a path to true intimacy and then severing that bond with minimal impact. The foundation of love is sharing, trust, and intimacy. Inherent in that bond is a willingness to be vulnerable. Intimate vulnerability allows your thoughts and emotions to be expressed in the context of shared experience. When circumstances no longer provide a trusting environment for a bonding love, the separation can feel devastating.
In many cases, the partner is also the best friend. Coping with relationship loss can be particularly difficult if the couple has relied on each other as best friends. By having limited options to confide in, the ‘newly’ single person may feel isolated, lonely, and frustrated.
It took work to develop a bond between two people. With that bond being severed, it will take time to rebuild. If you find yourself watching the telephone in hopes of getting a call or listening to romantic songs as you reminisce about your ex and the way it ‘could have been’, you may be holding on and need to incorporate some strategies for transitioning to your new life of independence.Coping with the Loss
1. It is important to make time for the healing process. Too often, we are encouraged to be ‘strong’ and keep it all inside. This method only serves to keep the former loved one on your mind and you frustrated. There needs to be a grieving period. Whether you care to admit it or not, that person did mean a great deal to you at one time. You honor the love that you shared by validating the relationship as a worthwhile experience.2. Engage in ‘self-help’ practices. Some people benefit from reading self-help books. Others enjoy creative writing as a means of healing and expression. Find a way that complements your personality and do it! Whether it’s reading, writing, or singing, expressing your feelings is a great way to learn about yourself and your current needs.
3. Realize that you might not be functioning at your best right now. Give yourself some space to ‘be’ without pressure or high demands. Efforts to organize the more routine activities of your life may be helpful to streamlining your energy expenditure. Do the activities that you need to and leave your remaining time for nurturing, self-discovery, and healing.
4. Mobilize your support system. Spending time with affirming friends is essential at this time. In addition to venting your emotions as you sort through your next step in life, you can share the relationship’s shortcomings. If this was an addictive relationship, your friends can help you avoid an unhealthy reconciliation by providing true accounts of the circumstances.
5. Use this time for self-renewal. When you are involved in a relationship, the other person receives your attention and focus. Being single offers you the opportunity to redirect that attention to yourself. Connect with areas of your life that have been neglected as a result of the relationship. Recharge your body through exercise. Reflect on your spiritual awareness and life journey. Replenish by engaging with nature. Renew your commitment to yourself to be the best person possible.
6. Spend some time each day on something pleasurable. It is important to enjoy key aspects of your life while other components are mending.
7. Highlight the reasons that the relationship was less than perfect. During times when loneliness sets in and the reason why the relationship ended may not be so clear, it may be helpful to review your thoughts from a more focused period.
Most research indicates that it takes about half the time the relationship existed in order to heal from the pain. Even then, many carry a portion of the painful memories for longer periods of time. Time does help ease the discomfort of relationship loss. However, it usually takes a while to feel better. Remembering the suggestions above may help as you patiently discover the relationship with yourself again.
This is for all those who have sacrificed and stayed close in silent anguish. For all of you who dare to love but dare not lose themselves. This could very well be the anthem of your hearts. Listen to the song and tell me if it doesn’t speak to you.
I guess I can’t believe you really came
And that we’re sitting on this pier
See, I’m smiling
That means I’m happy that you’re here
I stole this sweater from a costume shop
It makes me look like Daisy Mae
See, we’re laughing
I think we’re gonna be okay
I mean, we’ll have to try a little harder
And bend things to and fro
To make this love as special
As it was five years ago
I mean, you made it to Ohio!
Who knows where else we can go
I think you’re really gonna like this show
I’m pretty sure it doesn’t suck
See, you’re laughing and I’m smiling
By a river in Ohio
And you’re mine
We’re doing fine
I think we both can see what could be better
I’ll own when I was wrong
With all we’ve had to go through
We’ll end up twice as strong
And so we’ll start again this weekend
And just keep rolling along
I didn’t know you had to go so soon
I thought we had a little time
Look, whatever, if you have to
Then you have to, so whatever
It’s all right
We’ll have tonight
You know what makes me crazy?
I’m sorry, can I say this?
You know what makes me nuts?
The fact that we could be together
Here together
Sharing our night
Spending our time
And you are gonna choose someone else to be with
No, you are
Yes, Jamie, that’s exactly what you’re doing:
You could be here with me
Or be there with them
As usual, guess which you pick
No, Jamie, you do not have to go to another party
With the same twenty jerks you already know
You could stay with your wife on her fucking birthday
And you could, God forbid, even see my show
And I know in your soul it must drive you crazy
That you won’t get to play with your little girlfriends
No, I’m not, no I’m not!
And the point is, Jamie,
That you can’t spend a single day that’s not about
You and you and nothing but you
“Mahvelous” novelist, you!
Isn’t he wonderful, just twenty-eight
The savior of writing
You and you and nothing but you
Miles and piles of you
Pushing through windows and bursting through walls
En route to the sky
And I…
I swear to God I’ll never understand
How you can stand there straight and tall
And see I’m crying
And not do anything at all
We’ve made it to the New York Times! Whoa.
QUEZON CITY, the Philippines, Sept. 21 — Senators, foreign diplomats, cabinet ministers, a smattering of Forbes’s 40 richest Filipinos, movie stars and enough professional basketball players to play five-on-five. They are the elite of Philippine society, and they all gather at Araneta Coliseum in Quezon City to watch the men’s basketball rivalry between the universities Ateneo de Manila and De La Salle.
The rivalry allows Manila’s elites to relive their carefree college days, said Ricky Palou, Ateneo’s athletic director. “It’s the passion they have for their alma mater,” he said. “They become immature. They act like kids.”
The fans’ excessive behavior is matched by the largesse that the alumni lavish on their teams. A group from Ateneo installed the hardwood floor used for the 2000 N.B.A. All-Star Game at the university gym. Not to be outdone, Razon donated about $1 million, which went toward refurbishing La Salle’s sports center and financing athletic scholarships.
I have now been officially de-virginized by Doni and Spongebob Squarejaw. In public. How scandalous! And because I’m nice, I’ll share to you the stories that shouldn’t be committed down to written form if I don’t want to be implicated.
The Perpe”traitors”
1. Cabbies in the early mornings are awesome.
Lulubelle: Manong, sa Makati Ave po. (Sir, to Makati Ave.)
Manong: Saan sa Makati Ave? (Where in Makati Ave?)
Lulubelle: Dun sa Government po. (There, at Government,)
*pause*
Manong: Government ng ano? (Government of what?)
*pause*
Uneditedmara: Ng mga bakla. (Of the gays.)
O. Where are you. (San ka pa?)
2. Everyone in a gay bar:
a. has a higher pitch voice than me.
b. is prettier than me. I think because of me the “fag hag” phrase was coined.
c. looks like they know what the inside of a gym looks like.
d. actually use those contraptions inside the gym.
e. and thus can dance, sans shirt.
f. is totally not into you. Seriously.
3. Shakira-like hip gyrations won’t get you that cute guy you’ve been eyeing. In fact, it won’t even get his attention. Talk about no-agenda dancing.
4. Never have the phrases “Oh dear God” and “This will not end well” been uttered so frequently.
Token artsy-fartsy disco picture.
If you squint (or already have an active imagination), you can see the shirtless dude.
5. There is an art to glo-stick dancing. Yes, this is not 1999, but the infernal glo-stick is alive and well. You can’t just wave it around and spell your name. That gets old after a couple of minutes. So if you’re an avid fan of glo-sticks-in-disco (or an Azzuri goalkeeper), please take a few lessons.
6. And favorite serendipitous person of the night, Buster (the waiter). Because he started waiter-ing (?) at Government, AND DID NOT KNOW THAT IT WAS A GAY BAR. Thus, he kept asking AND MIMING for people (fags) if they wanted drinks. Guess who’s my favorite waiter now? Well, next to these two waiters:
@ some place I cannot remember 
Uneditedmara: Excuse me, can I have a regular Coke?
Waiter: Why not?
@ Max Brenner (I’m not a kid but throwing a tantrum like I’m 5 and think that boogers are a good alternative to broccoli)
Uneditedmara: I really, really, really want what’s on the kid’s menu. Do you think I can have it?
Waiter: If you insist.
The fave waiter being manhandled by Spongebob Squarejaw.
So jealous.
But Buster is FTW. Miming fellatio in a gay bar. Whattakarirmub!
I just caught a segment in local television featuring a charity fashion show and it brought my blood to a boil. It’s annoying when this supposedly fashion “god” has the diction that can be likened to the neighborhood nannies. Fuckin’ a. Can’t someone give him an audiobook to properly pronounce and enunciate? Not only that, when he speaks, it’s just pure vomit. I kept WTF-ing all throughout his segment. Can he just please go away? He is so .. 2000. And even then, he was such an overrated bore. He thinks he’s a rebel, but he’s just a dummy, being pulled by fashion puppeteers.
Dear Tim,
Please shut yer trap. You hurt my ears. Seriously. And erase Ateneo de Manila University from your CV. Do not bring us that shame. Even Jolina’s gotten rid of the crap in her hair and consults with her stylists now. I think you should utilize the people that are hired to make you look good because, frankly, you’re good for nothing.
xoxo,
Uneditedmara
PS. You are so not Bobby Trendy. Give it up.
I wish I could go back to college. Now, I am ready to face those oral exams clutching something other than my memorized notes. What did I know back then of life? Love? Nothing. Absolutely squat. What could I have drawn from my simple, naive, and sheltered existence? Nada. I pulled “life experiences” out of my ass and, thanks to the never-ending conflict that Dawson’s Creek has provided me, I managed to pull a C all semester long.
I’d like to take that exam again. I can bring something to the table other than the latest weekly drama from that small town creek. Because life, right now, is something that could never have been cooked up by middle-aged men, sitting around in greying offices, with cups of cheap coffee in their hands and a tape of MTV circa 1987 on loop. Life has the best drama. And it also contains the deepest despairs that I have ever seen. Never mind who went out with whom during the Senior Prom or who dated Lucy, the school slut. Those things seem so trivial now. Now that you have LIFE and all it’s trimmings to worry about.
Anyone else feeling like life has dulled before your eyes? It didn’t come like an earth-shattering revelation. It didn’t shake me awake in the middle of the night and drop a chandelier on my head. It didn’t even bump into me and say “Hello” while I was walking home. I took my eyes of my desktop for a moment to think about some brilliant quip that I should shoot back with and there, in the middle of piles of unfinished crossword puzzles, iris-offensive post-its, and a cheery printout of my work schedule, the banality of life hit and seeped into every molecule of my body.
I try to shake it off with pop culture overload or a drink or two, but it nags like a hangnail or that annoying last song syndrome. I over-analyze life and twist it this-a-way and that, but nothing is glaringly obvious that I could take it, put under a microscope, and study. Nowhere to look but outwards, see if there’s something wrong with the people around me or maybe they’re infecting me with such doldrums. Finally, all logic breaks down and I need something, ANYTHING that will snap me out of the gutter that I’ve been lying in. Anything will do because at this point, the fulcrum has broken and I’d rather have a new one that fix it.
I never used to question. I just accepted. But now, I’m full of nothing BUT questions with no answer in plain sight. I can’t raise my hand and ask. Nobody is there to answer. I can’t open any textbook to consult. The exam is between me and life. And I doubt I can bullshit my way out of this one.
