Scene: Int. Some random bar in Malate
Mood: Melacholic
$ex sidles up to Teh Irish
Teh Irish: No, thank you.
$ex: Oh, eeets okey, lab. Cheap por yu.
Teh Irish: What are you? A GRO?
$ex: Op kors nat! I em e prostichute noh!
$ex with pride FTW.
Scene: Int. A massage parlor somewhere in Malate
Mood: Massage-y
Teh Irish: Yes, I would like a massage please.
Masseuse: Okay.
Teh Irish strips and lies down on table.
Masseuse enters.
Teh Irish: Er .. no offense, mister. But I don’t want no man touching me.
Man-sseuse says something to miss-euse.
Whole parlor giggles.
Teh Irish proceeds to have an awkward massage that leaves him in more pain than when he came in.
So kiddies, beware of man-sseuses and parlors located in the Malate area. Happy endings DO come with shame in the morning.
Scene: Ext. Teh Irish at Ice Bar, Greenbelt
Mood: Senses a couple of women following him exit the bar
Teh Irish: *turns around* What do you want?
$ex: Wanna haba gud taym?
Teh Irish: No, thank you.
$ex: Eeets okey. I won’t tell eniwan.
Teh Irish: No, thank you. I’m actually waiting for my wife.
$ex: Eeets okey. Yoo ken tell her I’m yor gerlprend and we ken hab trisam.
Teh Irish: No, I don’t think she would like that.
$ex: Por yu, eeets cheap lang.
Teh Irish: Eh, no, thanks. My wife has all my money.
$ex: Ah okey. Por yu, eeets pree.
Teh Irish: *walks away*
Solicitation. You’re doing it wrong.
PS – I’m stereotyping whooooore language, I know.
“I will have poetry in my life. And adventure. And love. Love above all. No… not the artful postures of love, not playful and poetical games of love for the amusement of an evening, but love that… over-throws life. Unbiddable, ungovernable – like a riot in the heart, and nothing to be done, come ruin or rapture. Love – like there has never been in a play.” – Shakespeare in Love (1998.)
I
WILL
HAVE
LOVE.
Passenger Manifesto:
Clinically Insane
25, F
Short, brown wavy hair, underweight
Oozing with graphic design talent but chooses monies over her dream
Can be found emo over DIBS and her Dbag
F A I L at:
Sperm-of-the-moment moments
Being fat
Detachment
Unhelpful Git
28, M
Brown-ish blonde hair, pale as fuck
Broken in several places
Can be found at Oxford Suites, without a life
F A I L at:
We’re-having-a-moment moments
Safety
Solo weekends
Uneditedmara
25, F
(Strong) Long brown hair, too tanned for her own good
Dying to change her life but is too chicken
Can be found destroying her own life
F A I L at:
Being skinny
Detachment
Multi-tasking
Miss Pothead
22, F
Short, straight brown hair, wif bewbs
Is changing her life, whether she likes it or not
Can be found high on ANY given scenario
F A I L at:
Sobriety
Conflict resolution
Timing
Teh Irish
29, M
Blond hair, blue eyes, tanned (weird, I know)
Seeing Asia before starting life in Oz
Can be found in Asia, posing as a sex tourist. Oh wait ..
F A I L at:
Wooing
Self-control
Knowing the word: Privacy
.
.
.
I am in a state of shock.
Excuse me while I pop in my Betamax tape of “Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot” and mindlessly go through a pint of ice cream. Though Sly says that it was the worst movie he’s ever made, I beg to differ, remember Oscar? Yeah. I loved that shit too. Okay, I may be wrong. Sly has done nothing but the klassiest movies. I digress.
Let’s talk about Estelle and why this cruel, cruel world chose to take HER instead of Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan or David Letterman. Those people just don’t deserve to live, y’know. They’re neither funny nor entertaining. And I digress, yet again. See? SEE?! See how Estelle’s death has gotten me all pissed at the rest of the population that gets to live?! I RELIGIOUSLY watched The Golden Girls when I was like 5 years old. They were the hotness! It’s like Sex and the City for geriatrics. Of course they had to set that shit in Miami where them bones won’t rattle and ache. Nonetheless, HAWTTT!
You will be missed, Mrs. Tutti Bomowski.
***
Uneditedmara: WTF? Estelle Getty died two days ago?!
Unhelpful Git: Yeah. I thought you knew.
Uneditedmara: WTF is this world coming to?!
Unhelpful Git: I know. People keep dying and dying …
Uneditedmara: She was totally younger than Bea Arthur! SERIOUSLY!
Unhelpful Git: Well, that happens.
Unhelpful Git: Mr. Ledger was WAY younger than Bea Arthur too.
Uneditedmara:
Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days. – Ben Franklin.
That Ben. He sure knew what the fuck he was talking about.
How do you get rid of fish stink?
Wash with lemon/lime, right?
*licks, shoots, sucks*
Hey, Life! Bring it, beeyotch!
THIS JUST IN: I’m not perfect. *GASP*
I can be dense and insensitive and overly-dramatic and loud and a bitch and crass and so many other things. Some people don’t get me, some people do. Some people wanna hang, some wanna ditch. I have no problem knowing that people hate me or are averse to my company. As much as I want to, I can’t sprinkle cocaine into their noses and make everyone happy. But there are some people that have endured my wrath. They have seen how petty and sad and malicious I can be. They know from a single pool of vomit that this isn’t just a hangover. They know that there’s a telltale smile more powerful than a makeout session. These are the people I call friends.
I haven’t been the best of friends to any of them. I try to be there for them as much as I can, but sometimes I’m just a big ball of FAIL. Even then, they love me. Even when I’ve hurt them terribly, they love me. Yes, they tell me off and let me know how much of a disappointment I’ve been but that’s fine by me. Because I know they’re telling me this because they want me to understand and better myself. When I’ve done something wrong, they say, “I’m mad at you because…”. No underhanded, coded, mysterious way to let me know. They tell me, straight up. But they know that as “tough” as I make myself out to be, when I know when I’m wrong, I’m just a crybaby. This is knowledge gathered from years of being polite, cussing each other out, backbiting, and confronting. In the end, it’s as simple as telling me “You suck”.
The message doesn’t have to be labyrinthine, complex, or in a dead language. Yes, sometimes you do have to get into basic sign language to get my attention, a couple of open-handed slaps here and there, but I will get it. Someone once said that the walls we built for ourselves is not just meant to keep people out, but to know who’s determined enough to tear them down. Well, I know these friends have not only torn down the walls but set camp in it. They’re not going anywhere.
I know that my blog is rife with bitterness, but this is one time that I’m pooping out rainbows. I love my friends. I love that they’re there and that they’re honest. I love that they don’t know how to bullshit you (even if I’m guilty of such as crime at times). They deserve everything they ever want – a better job, a better man, the good life. Lord knows that they should be rewarded all that just because they’ve been there for me. But since I cannot (yet) invoke the power of Dibo, the gift-giving dinosaur, I’ll just have to repay the favor by being there for them in THEIR time of need. In the immortal words of Uneditedmara: GAAAAAAAME!!!
Stolen from DoubleAgent.
***
Anong klaseng SINGLE KA?
Destiny Addict
Ito ‘yung mga taong hinihintay na gumawa ang tadhana ng paraan para pagtagpuin sila ng kanilang mga “soulmates” and whatever. Ayaw kumilos o kung ano pa dahil naniniwala siya na kung sino man ‘yung talagang meant for him/her ay darating na lang bigla sa paraang maaaring hindi niya inaasahan–wow, parang Serendipity.
Laging maririnig na nagsasabing: “Dadating din ‘yan. ‘Wag kasing hanapin!”
Perfectionist
Simula nung magkamalay ang taong ito, nakalista na ang mga bagay na gusto niya sa kanyang magiging boyfriend/girlfriend. Kapag may nakilala siya at nakitang madumi ang kuko, magkadikit ang kilay, may butas sa ngipin, o parang penguin maglakad, wala na. Turn off na ‘yun para sa kanya.
Laging maririnig na nagsasabing: “Ok na sana siya e. Kaya lang gusto ko ‘yung ganito…”
Busy Bee
Pasensya na sila pero masyado kang maraming inaasikaso tulad ng libro, bolpen, papel at calculator. Umaalis ka ng 6 am sa bahay at umuuwi ng 7 ng gabi ‘pag weekdays. Pagdating mo sa bahay, gagawa lang ng homework at matutulog na. Masaya ka nang makanood ng TV ‘pag Sabado (at gumawa ulit ng homework). Sapat na sa’yo ang kumain sa labas kasama ang pamilya ‘pag lingo (at gumawa pa rin ng homework).
Laging maririnig na nagsasabing: “Sorry. Wala akong time sa ganyan e.”
Friend Forever version 1
Kunwari ka pa dyan. Alam mo namang gusto mo talaga ‘yang best friend o special friend mo pero hindi mo lang sinasabi at pinapadama dahil ayaw mong masira ang pagkakaibigan niyong dalawa. ‘Yung tipong ‘pag may kasamang iba ‘yung gusto mo, kunwari ka pang masaya ka para sa kanya pero sa totoo lang, gusto mo na malusaw na parang ice caps dahil sa Global Warming.
Laging maririnig na nagsasabing: “I’m so happy for you!” o “Sayang naman ‘yung pinagsamahan namin e.”
Friend Forever version 2
Wala tayong magagawa pero talagang malapit ka lang sa kabilang kasarian–pero bilang kaibigan lang. One-of-the-boys, ladies’ man. Hindi ka naman homo o bi pero sadyang kaibigan lang ang tingin mo sa mga taong hindi mo kapareho ng chromosomes. Masaya ka nang nakaka-hang-out lang sila, nakakakwentuhan, niyayakap nang walang halong malisya.
Laging maririnig na nagsasabing: “May inuman ba mamaya?” (kung babae) o “Hatid ko ba kayo mamaya?” (kung lalaki)
Born to be One
Single-blessed ka at wala ka nang magagawa kung ganun. 
Nilikha ka siguro para maging mag-isa (pero syempre may pamilya at kaibigan ka naman, duh) hanggang tumanda ka na at ipadala sa Home for the Aged. Marami akong kakilalang mukhang ganito ang patutunguhan at hindi naman sila mga pangit o abnoy talaga. Minsan lang, masyado silang masungit.
Laging maririnig na nagsasabing: “Mag-isa ako.”
Happy-go-lucky
‘Eto ‘yung taong masaya na sa trip-trip lang at kung anu-anong mga happenings. Kahit sino na lang basta no strings attached. For fun lang at walang seryosohan please. Personally, ayoko nung mga ganito. Umaapaw lang siguro ‘yung mga taong ganito sa L. Magbuhos ka nalang ng malamig na tubig sa iyong buong katawan at solb na ‘yan.
Laging maririnig na nagsasabing: “I’m not ready to commit e, but I really like you.”
Wrong Time
‘Eto naman ‘yung mga laging idinadahilan na masyado pa silang bata o kaya masyado na silang matanda. May mga tao raw na ganyan, ‘yung pakiramdam nila laging may tamang panahon para sa pag-ibig. Pero ang labo lang kasi tuwing may pagkakataon naman, lagi nilang naiisip na maling panahon pa iyon. Oo, wrong timing lagi ang pag-ibig para sa kanila kasi madalas sumasakto kung kelan meron silang board exams, problema sa pamilya, o long test kinabukasan. )
Laging maririnig na nagsasabing: “We had the right love at the wrong time…”
Parent Trap
Ayaw ni mama o ni papa na magkaboyfriend/girlfriend ang kanilang unica hija/hijo kahit na 22 years old na ito at kumikita na ng sarili niyang pera. Kailangan daw magkaron ka muna ng isang strand ng puting buhok bago may makadalaw sa’yo sa bahay. O kaya, baka ikaw ‘yung may problema dahil natatakot ka sa iisipin ng mga magulang mo tungkol sa taong iyong gusto. Baka kasi sabihin nila na masyado siyang bansot/ matangkad/ baboy/ payatot para sa’yo.
Laging maririnig na nagsasabing: “Baka kasi magalit si Papa.”
Trauma
Dahil sa dami ng mga heartbreak na iyong nadama at emo songs na napakinggan mo na noon, sinumpa mo nang hindi ka magmamahal. Ayaw mo na. Sawa ka na sa paglalaslas ng pulso, este, sa paglalagay ng mga madramang stat message sa YM at pag-iyak ng balde-baldeng luha. Awwwww. Pwede rin namang masyado kang insecure sa sarili mo kaya hindi ka makapagmatapang na magventure into some love quest.
Laging maririnig na nagsasabing: “Pagod na pagod na akong masaktan!” *hikbi*
Your Ex-Lover Is (NOT) Dead
Yikeeeeee. Mahal pa rin niya ang kanyang ex at hindi siya makaget-over the person. Boo. Pilit pa ring inaalala ang mga tawanan, iyakan at PDA moments nilang dalawa kahit yung ex niya ay nakikipag-(insert verb here) na sa isang babae/lalaki. Sasabihin mong nakapag-move on ka na pero kapag nagkwentuhan tungkol sa pag-ibig, tandadadaaaaaan. SIya na naman ang naiisip mo.
Laging maririnig na nagsasabing: “I’m over him/her….” *tapos iiyak bigla. )
Ayaw
Dalawa na namang kaso ito. Una, ayaw mo lang talaga magka-”someone”. Hindi ko na pipilitin ungkatin ‘yung dahilan pero may mga pagkakataon lang talaga na ayaw mo. Ikalawa naman, baka…ayaw kasi sa’yo nung gusto mo. And that’s the shizzest thing ever! Pwedeng ayaw niya sa’yo dahil may girlfriend/boyfriend siya, busy siya or whatever, o kaya ayaw ka lang niya talaga at wala ka nang magagawa kung ganun. 
Laging maririnig na nagsasabing: “Ayoko pa magkaboyfriend/girlfriend e.” o “Hindi naman niya ako gusto.”
Re: Isabella’s Child Dedication Ceremony
Uneditedmara: Are you bringing your whore girlfriend on Saturday?
Teh Douchebag: Of course not. I’m not that big of an asshole. (This is still pretty much up for discussion.)
Uneditedmara: I didn’t say anything. I was just asking. Defensive much?
Teh Douchebag: It just sounded like a silly thing to do. It would be socially retarded and disrespectful. You can bring your boyfriend though, if you like.
You. Have. No. Idea.
*cue evil laugh*
