I am Awesome merely by association

In an attempt to curb the doom and gloom that my blog is WORLD-RENOWNED for (NOT), bear with me as I try an infuse some warm and fuzzies .. or else I will cut off your head and spit down your throat.

First off, Bakla and Mr. Muscle. (Yes, the couple that’s recently announced that they are bearing a bubba and planning a wedding (for you who are not a follower of this blog (to which I should say, SHUN THE NON-BELIEVER! SHUUUN!)). Well, they met around 4 (?) something years ago and have been together ever since. No, it wasn’t the perfect relationship where everything was just oozing puppies and sugar sprinkles. They had their fair share of the good, the bad, and the OMGWTFWHYTHEHELLAMIEVENWITHYOU moments. Granted that they didn’t do things sequentially (ring, marry, baby), they did things their own way. First came the baby, then came the marriage, and now I am proud to announce (with a big fat HELLZ YEAH) the ring. HE PROPOSED!!! I wasn’t actually there when he did (and it may have not looked like THIS *gripes*), but I can tell you right now that it must’ve been oh so romantic!!! I mean, for Bakla. Not for me. Pffft. I could care less. BUT YAY FOR HER! Apparently, it happened at Greenbelt Chapel, the first church they went to as a couple. He already brought out a box for her in the middle of a Holloween party and led her to the chapel. And at the chapel, he proposed. Can you just imagine the dancing fairies and fireflies and twinkling stars while he asked her?! *clasps hands and giggles madly* One for the storybooks, I tells ya.

Secondly, Clinically Insane. This is not a story like the previous. It probably does not have fairies and fireflies, certainly not a ring, but a proposal of her own. You see, she suffers the same thing everyone does, except in clinically unstable doses. Insecurity and depression are just a few of her demons. I love her TO DEATH which is why I never give up on her. I may not know much, but I know that my friends deserve to have it ALL. Today was Clinically Insane’s last day of her stint in Singapore. She’s been obsessing over it for weeks and fretting every chance she can get. In any case, all that corporate brown-nosing and dealing with brain dead bosses paid off. She got offered a position at UNILEVER’S REGIONAL OFFICE. We are talking about UNILEVER. It’s like the Don Corleone of the conglomerate industry. You walk into their office and pay respects. You do not fuck around with them. In any case, she SCORED an offer from THE HEAD OF THE REGIONAL OFFICE. It doesn’t just happen in the movies, m’friends. It happens here, now. Well .. more like Singapore, a couple of hours ago but that’s not the point. The point is it UNILEVER.

Who’s awesome? I’m AWESOME.
Suck it, biiitches.
\mm/

So, for today, I shall attempt to be in good cheer for as long as I can hold out. I will share cupcakes and vomit rainbows and even crack a smile or two (Schadenfreude-related or not, but mostly it’s the Schadenfreude). But that’s just for today. And MAYBE the weekend. Expect regular embittered programming by Monday morning. But as for now, ONE LOVE.

It’s Friday and I’m in .. like

“Because I am picky .. I’ll take Mara FTW.”

McDo. Greenbelt. UH-OH.

From: Bakla
Message: Then call for dinner. McDo. Greenbelt.

From: Uneditedmara
Message: Guys, could we have dinner/get-together tomorrow night? I really, really need to talk to you. It’s of an important matter? Say, around 730? McDonald’s, Greenbelt.

From: Japayuki
Message: Sure dude. But what is it? How deep in the shit are you? I think I’d rather know now. I’m worried.

From: Vivi
Message: I have something tomorrow night but I’ll try to see if I can make it.

From: Bebot Angel
Message: My fever is kinda acting up. But if you really need me to be there, sure. The tone of your message is making me worry.

So, as per tradition, everyone met up at Greenbelt McDo, the crime of the scene where I first broke the news that I was to have Teh Izzy. Calling for a meeting at this particular place meant there was something BIG.

Except for Clinically Insane (who was hooring it up in SINgapore), everyone (everyone who mattered, anyway) was present and accounted for. Vivi, Japayuki, a voice-less Bebot Angel, Bakla, her main man Mr. Muscle, and I were gathered at a corner table, listening to Vivi’s story (for the nth time) and how Overkill Couple pissed her off. That stalled the announcement for 45 minutes but after that, everyone was just eyeing everyone else, sensing the tension that hung over that corner table.

Japayuki broke the silence and finally called me out. There was something that needed to be said, yes. But I said it would be better if Bakla was the one to tell them. In unison, their heads turned towards her as she was exchanging giggles with Mr. Muscle.

I’m pregnant.
And we’re getting married.

*does jazz hands*

Mouths agape, everyone was stunned into silence. I was laughing my head off knowing that they were thinking I got myself in another fine mess. MOHAHAHAHA! WUZZZNT MEEEE! They could not be shaken out of their stupor! Bakla? Pregnant? Getting married?! The ever-logical Bakla who talked me through my mini-hysterics and my first breakup with Teh Douchebag in college? The ever-logical Bakla who could stand up to Philo professors without looking pale as a ghost? The ever-logical Bakla who could command these gaggle of girls to pay attention? Was pregnant? Getting married?! Yessireee, Bob! We gots a young’un an a wedding to plan! Hey Ma! Bring out the good China’r!

Bakla and Mr. Muscle have already decided on the baby, marriage, and even took it up with their parents. Things were pretty much set  but what was left were the details such as a wedding for 250 people. Yeah, just a small detail like that. After the 10-minute, slack-jawed, speechless grace period, everyone broke out into a congratulatory mood and intensive planning ensued. There was the wedding in less than 3 months and a baby in 8. This is going to be some wild fuckin’ ride, I tells ya. 6 strong-minded women putting together a fine wedding? Oh dear God. There will be blood.

Here’s my congratulatory post to the wonderful couple!
I’m so happy for you guys!
I wish you nothing but the best in life and in love. <3
(We should all be so lucky to marry our first loves.
M o ha ha ha ha ha!)

100 things I hate about you. AY.

I was as bored as Taning .. so there.

100 things about yourself:

1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT?

I was running after my Mom. She went inside a room, I tripped and caught the corner of the door. Thus, the scar over my left brow.

Not-so-accurate rendition of me.

2. WHATS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?

Shadows.

3. WHAT DOES YOUR CELL PHONE LOOK LIKE?

It looks like a small brick.

4 WHAT MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO?

Lately She and Him have been looping in my playlist.

5. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?

Early morning .. ?

6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?

A cuddle.

7. WHO DO YOU MISS?

I don’t miss anyone.

8. WHAT IS/ARE YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION/S?

Teh Izzy. My laptop. My books.

9. WHAT IS YOUR ZODIAC SIGN?

Aries, the Ram.

10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC?

Yes, especially when I try to freak myself out. Dunno why I do that though ..

11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?

Yes, especially when I try to freak myself out. Dunno why I do that though ..

12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?

I agree with Taning, me. No one else but me.

13. WHAT IS/ARE YOUR FAVORITE COLOGNE / PERFUME?

Nothing now. But I used to wear Deep Red from Hugo Boss and Armani Code.

14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?

Doesn’t matter what color. Doesn’t even matter if he has hair or not.

15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF BEING PROPOSED TO?

In the middle of an argument.

16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINK?

Coffee, FTW.

17. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING?

Ham and pineapple.

18. IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

Tomato soup .. ?

19. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU MADE MAD?

Teh Izzy. I was pestering her.

21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST GIFT SOMEONE EVER GAVE YOU?

Don’t remember .. prolly something lame like an album or figurine.

22. DO YOU LIKE ANYBODY?

Sure, why not?

23. ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED?

If I were, I would not be single right now.

24. FAVORITE CLOTHING BRAND?

Nothing in particular. As long as it’s comfortable and looks good on me.

25. WHAT’S YOUR DREAM CAR?

McMerc SLR.

Is your penis envious?

26. DO YOU HAVE A PET RIGHT NOW?

I think I  may have ..

27. WHAT KIND IS IT?

Jellys! Oh, and a zorse. I found it wandering around my neck of the woods. Thought I should hang on to the darn thing.

28. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?

Never have, never will. (NAKS! Tigasin kunwari!)

29. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU?

Just tell them. “Out loud. Else, the moment just .. passes you by.“

30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED:

8

31. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES?

Brunettes

32. WHAT IS THE ONE NUMBER YOU CALL OFTEN?

200 – My cellular network’s hotline. I call Customer Service when I get lonely late at night.

33. WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST?

Ignorance.

34. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE USA?

35. YOUR WEAKNESS?

My carotid artery. I have no weakness. I am invincible! MOHAHAHAHA!

37. FIRST JOB?

Junior Assistant (ie. Prison bitch)

38. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?

I think so ..

40. IF YOU COULD GET PLASTIC SURGERY WHAT WOULD IT BE?

Hrmmm .. get rid of stretchmarks. Other than that .. *shrugs* .. it’s all good.

41. WHY DID YOU FILL OUT THIS SURVEY?

I need to do work but I’m distracted.

42. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?

Mental instability. My “shit-eating grin” just comes in second.

Award-winning smile.

43. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF ALCOHOL BECAME ILLEGAL?

Create an underground organization that traffics liquor.

44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?

Cherry blossoms? Hahaha! Nah, just friends eating good food, drinking good wine.

45. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT?

I think I have enough. Though 12 seems like a round, solid number. (KIDDING)

46. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?

My mom and dad.

47. DO YOU WISH ON STARS?

Sometimes. Now I don’t.

48. WHAT DID YOU DO THIS MORNING?

Got up, played with Teh Izzy, talked to The Chef, then got ready for work.

49. WHAT DID YOU LAST EAT?

Some meat with sauce thing.

Lunch, dine-in or to go?

50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?

Yeah, I actually do.

51. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?

Doesn’t matter. As long as it used to have a face. *invokes the wrath of PeTA*

52. ANY BAD HABITS?

Unhealthy doses of fear and insecurity.

53. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING MUSIC?

Whitney Houston.

54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?

HELLS YEAH. I am Awesome.

55. HAVE YOU EVER TOLD A SECRET YOU SWORE NOT TO TELL?

“I know I shouldn’t tell you this but .. “

56. DO LOOKS MATTER?

Sure why not?

57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER?

VENT in blog and knock back a few cold ones with Clinically Insane.

58. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME?

Cafe Breton. Hahaha! No, it’s the office. Shoot me now.

59. EVER BEEN DRUNK?

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA! Good question! *wipes tears from eyes*

60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?

Scissors.

61. HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE?

More than 200.

62. IF YOU COULD BE ANYWHERE RIGHT NOW WHERE WOULD YOU BE?

NEW YORK.

63. DO YOU USE SARCASM?

Of course not. I’m always a fucking ray of sunshine, can’t you see?

64. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A MOSH PIT?

YES. Chester Bennington looking down at me was SOOO worth passing out!

65. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL?

NOT STUPID, someone who challenges me, and someone who loves Teh Izzy as much as he loves me. (Yes, my standards have considerably been whittled down.)

66. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?

Mara, Mar, Mimi, Dude.

70. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR?

Phish Food.

72. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE COLOR(S)?

Black. Red.

73. WHO/WHAT DO YOU MISS MOST RIGHT NOW?

Bagel and cream cheese.

74. HOW MANY WISDOM TEETH DO YOU HAVE?

One .. ?

75. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?

I kinda do. *nods*

76. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO?

Miss Saigon

77. LAST THING YOU DRANK?

Water

78. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?

Clinically Insane

Presumably she’s copping tiddly bits in Singapore as well.

79. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX?

Of course, the obvious answer – crotch. Oh, I meant face and body build.

80. THOUGHT PROVOKING SONG?

Jason Mraz songs

81. FAVORITE THING TO HATE?

Jose Mourinho. Manchester United. Teh Douchebag and his Whore.

82. FAVORITE ALCHOHOLIC DRINK(S)?

Beer, tequila, wine.

83. FAVORITE ZODIAC SIGN

Nothing beats Aries.

84. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SPORT?

To watch? Football and Formula 1. To play? Tennis

85. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR?

Shit brown.

86. EYE COLOR?

Dark brown.

87. HEIGHT?

Five nothing.

88. FAVORITE ANIMAL?

Jellys! Other than that, dogs.

89. FAVORITE MONTH(s)?

April.

90. YOU LIKE SUSHI?

Onegai shimasu!

91. LAST THING YOU WATCHED?

Gossip Girl.

92. FAVORITE DAY(s) OF THE YEAR?

Independence Day and days before my birthday.

94. SUMMER OR WINTER?

Summer. Definitely. Snow can go fuck itself. I don’t need you!

95. KISSES OR HUGS?

HERSHEYS. FOR. TEH. WIN.

I shall be cremated and my ashes be scattered here.

96. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS?

The noose.

97. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT?

Lunch.

98. WHO IS THE LEAST LIKELY TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?

Hrrmmm .. Teh Douchebag’s whore. She don’t read and spell good. Hahahaha!

99. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING?

STILL on Alexandre LaPierre’s Artemesia. GAH.

100. ANYONE IN LOVE WITH YOU?

MYSELF! Whee~!

I’m not that girl

Clinically Insane is off in some far, far away land where the days are filld with gorgeous, gorgeous fourain men in suits and being all serious and stuff. They probably have their thick-rimmed glasses on, IDs clipped to their lapels or pockets, taking down serious, grown-up notes, and listening to important things. Rawrrr. Men who know things = HOT. In any case, she’s been feeling down and out since she has time on her hands and the internet. We know how messy that can get. Her latest post did get me thinking.

Perhaps it’s the quarter life crisis – to have gone so far yet not having been able to take a real step forward. But who’s to say that I/we haven’t? Isn’t it different for everyone? I know of people who’ve had fabulous jobs and to-die-for careers and  maybe I’d trade my life for theirs just because that’s the picture I have. To be working as a copywriter in some hip, cool advertising agency where I’d just come in after noon, strutting into the conference room with my torn up jeans and Vans, nary a collar in sight, face a room full of stuffy brand managers, account executives, and pencil pushers, let them look straight into my bloodshot eyes from an all night bender with the coolest people on the A list, pitch them an idea that I only cooked up before I walked in the damn room, sell it, and have them lap it all up and laud me as a genius! an icon of the young, renegade advertising world! would be the ideal, perfect, to-the-T job I would have.

Yes, we have those marketing figures for you right here.

But maybe I’m not cut out for that. I also need to be open to that possibility. That I’m never going to be a influential hotshot or raking in the big bucks. I am not even scared to not have the money. Not because I’m a trust fund baby or that daddy’s gonna buy me out of my life. I know it’s (ultimately) not about the money. Because I am doing a job that is .. meh .. okay, not too bad, not that great either and I get by just fine. I am more scared that I don’t find that ONE thing I really, really love doing. I tell people it’s writing and they say to go pursue it. But, like everyone else, I need to want it really badly. Else, I shall prove a facet of the Aries horoscope right – that Aries, although can rally the troops, cannot finish what they started. Okay, not that I believe any of that mumbo jumbo, but there may be some truth to it, whether you are an Aries or not. I envy those who have the passion for without it, how can anyone really, truly enjoy what they have? I want to have the money, who doesn’t? But if I am working somewhere that is bleeding my soul dry, I think it I may have to rethink some things. I remember asking someone, not too long ago, what their passion was .. what gets them up every morning .. what’s that one thing that gives them the spirit to rise against the odds. I don’t remember what the answer was. But perhaps I should be directing that question at myself.

His is obviously eye makeup and blunt razorblades.

Bottom line is, we do what we can (to borrow Tim Gunn’s philosophy) to “make it work”. There is no other way around it. Some people just have the natural ability to make sense out of numbers and pie charts and graphs and read into the socioeconomic atmosphere, but that’s not me. I can’t even be bothered to solve a simple algebraic equation. But I’m okay with that. I NEED to be okay with that. Otherwise, I’ll be chasing someone else’s dreams. I need to find out what mine is before I even know where to begin. I need to re-affirm that I am me and I can’t be anyone else. As much as I wish hard, I cant be Glinda. Perhaps along the lines of wanting to be like her, I can pick up a few things that can help me better myself. But in the end, I can’t be her. And as for being happy, I cannot say that I am deliriously so, but it ain’t too shabby. I got my family and friends, my health, and my kickass Izzy. Anything added to that is just cherry on a rockin’ good sundae.

THE IZZY TURNS TWO!

(DELAYED PUBLISH)

It’s a little early, I know, I know. But we just had to celebrate The Izzy’s birthday earlier this year since her actual birth date falls on a Tuesday (the randomest day of the week, if you ask me). We didn’t make such a big fuss about it since Teh Douchebag is not really big on celebrating birthdays after the first one. Instead, we just booked a McDonald’s party and let strangers take care of everything for us. But since MY family makes a big deal over their only neice/granddaughter, we decided to spruce things up anyway.

Leafy buntings, extra loot bags for the grownups, lechon (YUM!), cupcakes, and costumes were the order of the day. Speaking of costumes – DEAR GOD. I have never worn something so colorful in my entire life. The party went off without much of a hitch except for a MIA Bakla from my guest list. She’s already missed TWO out of two. She promised to make it up to me though. The Izzy’s friends from the condominium came as well as a couple of kids from The Valley. They all bobbed around the place with their big heads. Kids can be creepy sometimes. They played games, ate unhealthy food, and generally made a mess of things. We were fortunate enough to get Birdie AND Grimace! The table where all of my friends sat suddenly lit up at the prospect of defiling Grimace, the ambiguously-shaped purple mascot. And so defile him, we did. That mascot’s gonna have to dry clean its costume after what we did to it having our pictures taken with the ambiguously-shaped purple mascot. And so we got our pictures taken and we did nothing to the mascot whatsoever. Nothing.

I can’t really describe the day except that it was fun. So I might as well bring your pictures since today I am not a writer. Today I am just a bubblegum fairy high on cupcakes and glitter.

PS. There are no pictures. SUCKERS! I’m still hunting those wascally photos down. Patience m’pets. Soon you shall be able to mock and ridicule me. Let’s just say that I looked like this:

A badass cupcake.
HELLS YEAH!
\mm/

Next year is going to be something else

We’re just entering into the last quarter of the year and already I can sense adventure, mischief, and mayhem in 2009. Yes, Red Bull has deemed that this year was the Year of the Adik, but you never know what’s around the corner. The Adik Wave has a kind of power that just sweeps you back into the curls and toss you about with no rhyme or reason and, more importantly, no thought to the plans that you’ve already made. It spits you out onto the shore after you’re thisclose to death, wet, wrinkly, cold, shivering, and mocks, “Yeah, you’re gonna get tossed around and like it, bitch.” Perhaps another baby (NOT ME), or a change in career, a change in address, or just new people coming in our lives are destined next year. I’ve just come back from The Izzy’s frenzied party (merits it’s own DECENT post with pictures in time) and already I can sense change is a’comin’. For whom or to what, I don’t know. There’s just an air of possibility hanging around that whips me into an excited state (DON’T, just don’t).

I don’t know why I’m saying this so early in the quarter. I mean, last year was one of the worsts of my life and there is still two more months left for The Fates to pick the biggest motherfucking pineapple in the field and stick it up my ass but the judgment that I have to pass on this year will be overlooked, for now. I need to focus on the good things that could possibly happen and just think of the next two months as a reason to make next year’s adventures even sweeter. Whatever it might have been, may it be an unexpected phone call that left you sighing and giggling, or daring to wear every color in the rainbow (and then some) or making someone’s day by making stupid faces, the culmination was some whispered promise of ever greater times ahead.

Suit up, bitches. Next year is going to be LENGENDARY.

I’m dreaming, right?

Phone rings.

Uneditedmara: Hello?
Kileg: Hey Mara .. ?
Uneditedmara: Yeah .. who’s this .. ?
Kileg: It’s Kileg! Remember me?
Uneditedmara: Oh hey! Whattheheck .. how are you doing ye fucker? Any news?
Kileg: Oh nuthin’ much, same old stuff. What’s up with you?
Uneditedmara: Oh you know, still here. Still a mother and all that.
Kileg: Oh yeah? *laughs heartily* So you never told me your opinion on the matter! I thought you had an opinion on everything.
Uneditedmara: What matter? (I haven’t talked to you in four months. What the hell are you talking about?)
Kileg: Oh you know, I was thinking of getting m’self a Filipina woman for a wife because they’re obedient and can cook and clean the house.
Uneditedmara: What? So you want a doormat? Shouldn’t you at least aim for something higher? Why the hell would you want to settle for someone obedient? Or maybe you should want someone who is naturally awesome and if she happens to be Filipino well and good? Not some ignorant country hick who can’t speak English to save her life? *RILED UP*
Kileg: Well, you speak terribly good English.
Uneditedmara: Well, I am one of a kind. I am The Aweomest.
Kileg: Oh God. Here we go with the arrogance. You wouldn’t be Mara without that. Hahaha!
Uneditedmara: Wait .. is this a drunken call? o.O Hella ’spensive, don’t you think?
Kileg: *laughs out loud* Haha! No, no. I’m not drunk. I’m pretty sober actually.
moreinconsequentialsmalltalkmoreinconsequentialsmalltalkmoreinconsequentialsmalltalk

After 2minutes, the call ended.

Never has a phone call excited me so much in my entire life. It’s like having a highschool crush all over again – that tingly feeling mixed with the huge desire to barf because your crush maybe kinda sorta glanced at your for a milisecond. Oh, you didn’t get that vibe from the phone call? Yeah, that’s coz it’s all in my head. OR NOT. Because he called and I don’t care what you thiiink! *squeals, dances around*

Yes, it has gotten to the point where ANY phone call is acceptable. *sighs* I have no life, really. So, people. CALL ME. I don’t care if it’s to ask for mail-order-bride advice or if that green gunk between your toes is bad. These phone calls are what I live for. That and peanut butter bananner sammiches. They are <3.

Bromance over before it started

i think its called internet. i think it’s in my house. but already, after 4 bottles of light, and 5 minutes on this thing, already i know this isn’t such a good idea. idle internet conexion is teh devils playground.

sorry if i propose/proposition/curse out/profess love/think you’re cool within the next 48 hours. that’s just mee testing the waters.

please proceed with caution. else i think i might rip off the cables hanging from my AVOCADO walls. WTF. avocado. teh sister is so fuckin retarded. (must giver her props for bold (and ew) choice of color)

I am three days late. Fuck.

Shit. I was not prepared for this.

Fuck.

Fuck.

I should’ve done something.

Or at least marked my calendar.

WTF?!

*screams into pillow*

Okay, Mara. Calmthefuckdown. It’s going to be okay. You’ve done this before. You can do it again. It’s like riding a bike. And if you don’t have a bike, just ride someone else’s. *exhales*

Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you, The (Stolen) Viggo Birthday Tribute Post.

THE VIGGO MORTENSEN TIMELINE TO 50.
by Michelle Collins
over at BestWeekEver

Ladies and gentlemen, crack open the a bottle of bubbly and oil up your six-pack: Because today, October 20, 2008, testosteroney Hollywood veteran Viggo Mortenson turns 50 YEARS OLD.

I repeat: Viggo Mortenson Is Now 50.

It seems like just yesterday that Viggo was sobering up with Sandra Bullock in 28 Days. And my oh my, what an innocent child I must have been when V-Mortz travelled with those pocket sized ring bearers to Mordor.

Let’s take a look at the road Viggo travelled to 50.

Here he is at around age 7.

Little did he know at this age that nearly 40 years later, he would be involved in a naked man-on-man fight scene in a Russian Bathhouse. But I digress.

See more of Viggo’s Road to 50, including his high school yearbook photo, ahead.

Viggo graduated Watertown High School, where he was a champion swimmer and photographer. He also had the golden locks of a Greek God… evident in even the most Black and White of yearbook photos:

His first major film was as an Amish man in Witness back in 1989:

Even dressed as a mentally ill French schoolboy, he is still delightful and butt-chinned.

Next, he played a man who liked to lick blood off of his fingers in Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III.

Here’s Viggo at 33 in The Indian Runner. God bless those dozens of directors who found it necessary for his “character” to bare his tattooed chest at will:

Let’s skip ahead a few years. Even though Big V has a real independent streak as an actor, he’s also got to put delicious protein-packed food on the table. Thus, I present to you a still from the 1997 epic film G.I. Jane:

While I try my best to never mention the 1998 Psycho remake, I couldn’t let this post pass without bringing you Viggo pillowtalking noneotherthan Anne Heche:

At 42, Viggo took on his least challenging role, as a hot baseball player recovering from an alcohol addiction in 28 Days. The men looks like a G-DD-MNED B-BY:

From 2001-2003, Viggo took part in his most challenging and fame-making role yet: As Aragorn, or “Strider”, in the Lord of the Rings trilogy.

Then… Hidalgo.

That’s all that needs to be said about that.

This year, Viggo was recently scene with a Cyrano-esque goatee in Appaloosa:

And coming up this year, he’ll be starring in the movie version of Cormac McCarthy’s The Road:

Hopefully, the above photo timeline will prove that the man is, indeed, 50, and going strong. To celebrate, I will choose to stare at this photo of Viggo’s signature “faraway stare”, and just wonder what in God’s name is on his beautiful mind.