I walked out and to the parking lot across my building to have a midday smoke. I tore a pack open and lit one up.
The weather was nice. Lately, it’s been acting like a woman with PMS but today it was nice. The sky wasn’t too cloudy and the winds weren’t too strong. There weren’t too many people milling about so it didn’t feel too crowded. So it was really one of those days where a picnic blanket, sammiches, and ice-cold drinks would work well.
And then it hit me.
Like a rock to the back of the head. Like a bus careening out of control. Like a house out of nowhere landed on me and killed me on the spot.
I know I can bitch and moan with the best of them. And from time to time, I’ve even won a few FML competition between me and the girls. But I can also pull myself up by the bootstraps and tell everyone and everything that they can go fuck themselves because I’m here to ROCK.
But today was different. I didn’t feel like I could rock today. Yeah, sure, I’ve been complaining about money and my job and that everyone else’s life seemed so much better, but that was a standard conversation starter. Somehow, all of it (and then some), got to me. It got to me so badly that after I had a ciggie, I couldn’t move. I was just standing there paralyzed.
DEPRESSION.
And I say that word with such reverence. Sometimes I say I’m depressed but I just mean I’m bored or that I’m hungry. But today, I meant DEPRESSED. I was so scared to feel such utter helplessness. I’ve never felt like that before. Sad, yes. Angry, all the time. But depressed? REAL depression? *low whistle* That sucks balls.
I didn’t know what to do with the feeling so I merely repressed it. And then I got so scared of repressing it (fearing that it might come back to bite me harder the next time around) that I just got depressed all over again. I had never felt so insecure and worthless in all my life. I do not wish to revisit the feeling. I don’t want to need medication for it. I don’t want to need to see a shrink.
With all the energy I could muster, I willed myself to put one foot in front of the other and slowly make my way back up into my office. I sat down at my desk and began to work. Slowly but surely I tried to pick through the feelings that came rushing at me. The whole day was like solving a Mobius strip.
As of right now, I am still not back to my “normal” self. I’ve been having a string of terrible weeks and I am not well enough to nurse myself back to emotional health. Doctors have prescribed me liquor and dancing. I may try that in lieu of “sleep and meditation”.
Distractions that were supposedly plentiful now have dwindled to nothing. There is a demand but there is no supply. How the FUCK should I know?!
*ahem*
Excuse me while I get my shit together and attempt to have a decent long weekend.
