I am three days late. Fuck.

Shit. I was not prepared for this.

Fuck.

Fuck.

I should’ve done something.

Or at least marked my calendar.

WTF?!

*screams into pillow*

Okay, Mara. Calmthefuckdown. It’s going to be okay. You’ve done this before. You can do it again. It’s like riding a bike. And if you don’t have a bike, just ride someone else’s. *exhales*

Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you, The (Stolen) Viggo Birthday Tribute Post.

THE VIGGO MORTENSEN TIMELINE TO 50.
by Michelle Collins
over at BestWeekEver

Ladies and gentlemen, crack open the a bottle of bubbly and oil up your six-pack: Because today, October 20, 2008, testosteroney Hollywood veteran Viggo Mortenson turns 50 YEARS OLD.

I repeat: Viggo Mortenson Is Now 50.

It seems like just yesterday that Viggo was sobering up with Sandra Bullock in 28 Days. And my oh my, what an innocent child I must have been when V-Mortz travelled with those pocket sized ring bearers to Mordor.

Let’s take a look at the road Viggo travelled to 50.

Here he is at around age 7.

Little did he know at this age that nearly 40 years later, he would be involved in a naked man-on-man fight scene in a Russian Bathhouse. But I digress.

See more of Viggo’s Road to 50, including his high school yearbook photo, ahead.

Viggo graduated Watertown High School, where he was a champion swimmer and photographer. He also had the golden locks of a Greek God… evident in even the most Black and White of yearbook photos:

His first major film was as an Amish man in Witness back in 1989:

Even dressed as a mentally ill French schoolboy, he is still delightful and butt-chinned.

Next, he played a man who liked to lick blood off of his fingers in Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III.

Here’s Viggo at 33 in The Indian Runner. God bless those dozens of directors who found it necessary for his “character” to bare his tattooed chest at will:

Let’s skip ahead a few years. Even though Big V has a real independent streak as an actor, he’s also got to put delicious protein-packed food on the table. Thus, I present to you a still from the 1997 epic film G.I. Jane:

While I try my best to never mention the 1998 Psycho remake, I couldn’t let this post pass without bringing you Viggo pillowtalking noneotherthan Anne Heche:

At 42, Viggo took on his least challenging role, as a hot baseball player recovering from an alcohol addiction in 28 Days. The men looks like a G-DD-MNED B-BY:

From 2001-2003, Viggo took part in his most challenging and fame-making role yet: As Aragorn, or “Strider”, in the Lord of the Rings trilogy.

Then… Hidalgo.

That’s all that needs to be said about that.

This year, Viggo was recently scene with a Cyrano-esque goatee in Appaloosa:

And coming up this year, he’ll be starring in the movie version of Cormac McCarthy’s The Road:

Hopefully, the above photo timeline will prove that the man is, indeed, 50, and going strong. To celebrate, I will choose to stare at this photo of Viggo’s signature “faraway stare”, and just wonder what in God’s name is on his beautiful mind.

Viggo

How can you not love this man? Really. Look.

Hottness in a hoodie. NGAH.

Still not a Viggo fan?  Let me show to you his impressive resume.

FACTOID: Born in New York to a Danish father and an American mother, Mortensen spent the early part of his childhood in Manhattan. His family traveled a great deal and he spent several years living in Venezuela, Argentina and Denmark.
WHAT IT MEANS: He is exotic and multi-cultured. He is neither narrow-minded nor petty.

FACTOID: Graduated from St. Lawrence University in Canton, New York in 1980 with a degree in Government and Spanish.
WHAT IT MEANS: He loves learning and runs a deeper passion for things other than acting, like politics for example.

FACTOID: He moved to Denmark – driven by the need for a defining purpose in life. He began writing poetry and short stories while working many odd jobs, from dock worker to flower seller. But, in 1982, he fell in love and followed his girlfriend back to New York City, hoping for a long romance and a writing career. He got neither.
WHAT IT MEANS: Say it with me, ladies, “Awwwww.” He is not wishy-washy. There are things he wants out of life. He is not afraid to get his hands dirty with jobs that he’s over-qualified for. AND!!! He is not afraid to uproot himself and follow love without any assurance that he’s going to get loved back. Now THAT, is courage.

FACTOID: In 1999, Viggo got a phone call about a movie he didn’t know anything about: The Lord of the Rings. At first, he didn’t want to do it, because it would mean time away from his son. But Henry, a big fan of the books, told his father he shouldn’t turn down the role .. Eventually, the success of Lord of the Rings made him a household name – a difficult consequence for the ever private and introspective Viggo.
WHAT IT MEANS: We should all thank Henry for convincing his dad. But deeper still, Viggo takes advice from his kid. Not all men would be so humble to do that.

FACTOID: Had a book of poetry printed before he was known. The title: “Ten Last Night.”
WHAT IT MEANS: Eeeep! He’s also a writer too! *dies*

FACTOID: Speaks fluent English, Spanish, Danish, and French, but he also speaks Swedish and Norwegian reasonably well.
WHAT IT MEANS: He can woo me in several languages.

FACTOID: He actually painted the large murals in his artist’s studio in the film A Perfect Murder (1998.)
WHAT IT MEANS: He is in touch with his artistic side and is not afraid to show it. You are not less manly if you know how to handle a brush.

FACTOID: Is a photographer. Has been photographing for years, recently debuted with an exhibition at the Robert Mann Gallery in NYC. — American Photo, July/August 2000.
WHAT IT MEANS: Is there anything this man can’t do?

FACTOID: Writes poetry in his spare time.
WHAT IT MEANS: This is too much now. I’m beginning to think that he’s fictional.

FACTOID: Is also a jazz musician – he has released three CDs so far.
WHAT IT MEANS: He will soon star in a musical. You can quote me on that.

FACTOID: An accomplished horseman in his spare time, Mortensen requested that his “Rings” character Aragorn be given more saddle time than was originally scripted. He also kept his on-screen horse nearby during the entire principal photography schedule in order to ride in his off-hours and strengthen his relationship with the horse.
WHAT IT MEANS: *melts* He is serious about his work and loves to learn and diversify his craft.

FACTOID: Owner of publishing company Perceval Press.
WHAT IT MEANS: Shall I soon be reading more of Viggo’s poetry?

FACTOID: Purchased the horses he rode in the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy and Hidalgo (2004) after the films were completed.
WHAT IT MEANS: He has a soft spot for animals. And men that love animals have lesser tendency to be violent. Yeah, I read that somewhere. Cross my heart.

FACTOID: While filming “The Lord of The Rings” trilogy in New Zealand, he would go surfing with the other actors in their spare time. One day he suffered an accident which left a bruise on the right side of his face. As a result, director  Peter Jackson had to shoot only the left side of his face in the entire Moria sequence.
WHAT IT MEANS: He is hardcore and will work even if he can’t feel the left side of his face. DEDICATION.

.

I just watched A Perfect Murder and I’m smitten all over again. *swoon* Please go out and try some Viggo this week. I promise you that it will all be worth it.

*traipses around with mini Viggo’s spinning over head*

Thumbnails: Viggophile
Image: JustJared
Bio: Imdb