Panic about how underprepared I am, panic about how it’s going to be terrifying if I don’t get on that plane for reasons of bureaucratic red tape, panic about how well I’m not going to fit in with my white sneakers and tropical clothing. Let’s face it, I belong in Spain like The Spaniard belongs here. We just don’t.

I’m half-packed and half-convinced that this is a great thing. What am I doing, right? I should be freakin’ excited and flaunting my good fortune, but I’m not. I have my list and documents but I feel there’s something terribly wrong that’s going to happen. It’s making me nauseous even on an empty stomach.

Let me go grab a drink to calm my nerves.

On second thought, I better not. It’s better writing while I’m on the edge as it will present you a more accurate picture of what a lunatic I’m becoming. It’s my Christmas gift to you. You’re welcome.

Just so you know, I’ve actually stopped writing this entry for an hour or two to have a mild panic attack as I’ve closed my luggage and forgotten the combination. Yeah, I’m all outta whack these days. I’m just holding on until I get to Spain and I can finally relax. Well, as relaxed as someone who’s perpetually paranoid and insecure can get.

The only thing that’s made me feel better is a stupid tweet from The Boyfriend: Leaving Santander to fetch @uneditedmara

All is well until my next panic attack. You’re going to stil be here, right? :s

**

You can donate the following as these items are the most needed:

1. Clothing – Children’s clothes, adult clothes – shirts, pants, jogging pants, pajamas or any second hand but still usable clothes are badly needed.

2. Underwear – No second hand items please. Even a couple of pairs would do. Underwear for children, women and men are most appreciated.

3. Blankets and pillows – Remember that most of the survivors are homeless and are sleeping in make-shift rescue areas like basketball courts or open areas.

4. Bottled water – They have no clean water and access to it is very limited.

5. Food – Canned goods (and if possible, donate can openers too), food that don’t easily expire and instant noodles.

6. Basic medication – Alcohol for disinfection, paracetamol, cold medication, OTC medication.

7. Toiletries – Toothbrushes, toothpastes in sachets, small bars of soap, shampoo, sanitary napkins and diapers.

Before you text someone a funny joke or a forwarded message, send your donation.
Donate via text:Text RED<space>AMOUNT to 2899 (Globe) or 4143 (Smart)

Before you pay for your online purchases, send your donation.
Donate via PayPal or : http://www.greenpeso.com/pay/donate_redcrossph.html
via GCash: Text DONATE<space>AMOUNT<space>4-digit M-PIN<space>REDCROSS to 2882

You can donate the following denominations:
Globe: 5, 25, 100, 300, 500 or 1000
Smart: 10, 25, 50, 100, 300, 500 or 1000

Before you pay your bills, send your donation.

Bank accounts for Donations

Banco De Oro

Peso: 00-453-0018647

Dollar: 10-453-0039482

Bank of the Philippine Islands

Peso: 4991-0036-52

Dollar: 004994-0103-15

Metrobank

Peso: 151-3-041631228

Dollar: 151-2-15100218-2

Philippine National Bank

Peso: 3752 8350 0034

Dollar: 3752 8350 0042

Unionbank of the Philippines

Peso: 1015 4000 0201

Dollar: 1315 4000 0090

All Check/Cash for the account of Philippine Red Cross (Swift Codes)

Banco De Oro

BNORPHMM

Bank of the Philippine Islands

BOPIPHMM

Metrobank

MBTCPHMM

Philippine National Bank

-PNBMPHMM

Unionbank of the Philippines

-UNPHPHMM

Before you purchase a drink at 7-11, send your donation.
Red Cross accepts cash donations at any 7-11 store or Cebuana Lhuillier Pawnshop nationwide.

LBC, one of the leading couriers in the Philippines, through LBC Foundation, accepts donations in all branches nationwide. Call (632) 8585-999 to know the nearest branch in your area.

In New York:

In London:

In Korea:

In Russia:

In Alaska:

In Winterfell:

Outfit that’s fabulous AND functional.
You can wear it to beheadings or while serving as the Hand of The King.

Don’t get me wrong, I AM BEYOND EXCITED at the prospect of finally going to Europe. And, it goes without saying, a little less excitement and a little more anxiety goes into meeting The Boyfriend’s family and friends. Eeep! Then there’s sheer dread at the thought of the excruciatingly cold weather that’s going to greet me. “It’s only 14 degrees! “, “It won’t be too bad”, and “It’s not *that* cold” are phrases that absolutely do not bring me any comfort.

It’s not THAT cold.

If you haven’t seen it, you’re really not missing out. I mean, it’s cute and funny and sometimes kileg…all those things you feel exactly when you’re in your teen years. It’s no Game of Thrones or anything, so you can pretty much stomach every episode without getting a headache. Although watching the entire first season in a sitting makes one of the late-20s persuasion remember and regret some things. Some shallow things.

I never got the highschool crazy-in-love story that everyone had. There was no holding hands in the quad or sitting at lunch together or going out on dates or exciting, butterfly-fluttering first kiss.

I didn’t get a first date or flowers or serenades (I come from the province, this is a standard form of courtship) or loveletters or presents and trinkets.

I never got to go to prom with the boy I liked. No one asked me, I didn’t pick out a dress, no corsage on the wrist, no limo to take us to a hotel function room that’s decked out in crepe paper and glitter, no awkward kiss goodnight, no solitary look that says you’re the most beautiful thing in the world tonight.

After all this time, after everything I’ve been through, I still kinda would have wanted to have a little of that. Even if it doesn’t last a lifetime or that important to my formative years.

But I guess I will be one of those who don’t get any of that. And that’s fine. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be here and I wouldn’t be me – (to quote The Boyfriend) insulting and aggressive.

At least I’m not awkward, right?

SUCCESS!

A lot more nights like these.

 I put myself down a lot. Like, A LOT. Even when I’ve done well at work, I think that it’s only because I’ve fucked things up for so long that it was bound to get better. When I get praise from other people I immediately think that they’ve felt the opposite about me until that point in time. “You did a really great job with this report! Coz, you know, you fucking things up a lot around here.” “That’s a really nice haircut you got! Because it usually looks like a dirty mop.” “Thanks for the great advice! I mean, not that I’m going to take it because let’s face it, what do you *really* know about succeeding in life?”

I’ve come to accept my ugly cry face.

And as much as I love throwing pity parties, I also tend to careen towards the opposite end of the spectrum and become a self-entitled dick. If I’ve asked you to do something for me, you better do it right and the way I want to do it. Because doing it any other way is just a waste of MY time and just insulting since I know that my way is the only right way to do it. And this not only applies to work. Oh, no. You have a bad sense of direction? Get better at it. I don’t care how but I expect you to be able to fully navigate yourself around your neighborhood in at least a year. A YEAR. If it takes longer than that then I will think you’re either royally retarded or just trying to piss me off. And you say you’re your father’s fastest sperm?

I’d tell you to get lost but that’d be redundant.

Or the fact that if you know your kitchen is starting to smell bad (because of the garbage can, unwashed dishes, etc.), then you should, as any normal person would do, close the door (provided you have one) so the stink won’t reek into the other parts of the house. Simple, right? So if you don’t close that damn door and the living room is starting to smell like rotten meat, then you’re fucking stupid. I mean, that’s my take on it anyway.

Or if you haven’t seen someone in a while and you don’t call because there’s been a mutual understanding that you’re both going to be very busy that week, so you try to busy yourself on a day that you’re actually not, then that person texts about making plans and you call and discuss and leave it at, “Yeah, sure. Just call me and we’ll see.” Naturally, you assume that this person who’s made first contact has desires intentions of seeing you. And so you call him (or her, whatever) and find out if plans are pushing through. Then s/he doesn’t pick up after, oh I don’t know ELEVEN MISSED CALLS. Clearly, plans with you are not that important. So what? You admit to yourself, yeah, it’s not that important. I’m not that important.

And so you stew because you mistakenly thought you were important and found out that you weren’t and then it pisses you off that you’ve belittled yourself and then get mad at the fact that this is so petty that it shouldn’t matter and then speed up into Insanity Highway where you just keep ranting and venting until you start throwing things at walls. Then add a dash of follow up texts that indicate if you still want plans to push through, you will have to share it with a friend. And the fact that there’s someone else just ticks you off all the more because WHAT THE FUCK? This wasn’t where this was going earlier. And maybe if you weren’t so mad it would have gone better, but who the fuck is he to tell me to calm the fuck down? This was important to me and not important to you. How can we not be on the same page about this??

This, folks, is why you shouldn’t be with someone who doesn’t share the same sentiments as you.

I mean, today it just might be about dinner plans but who knows? Maybe tomorrow it’ll be about how to spend the weekend. Or how to spend money. Or what things are worth investing in. Or how to raise a kid. Or where to live. Or all those other grown up things people are supposed to think seriously about. What then? WHAT THEN?

And people will say, “Cross the bridge when you get there.” But what if I reach that bridge 5 years from now? 10 years from now? Will that be enough time for people to come to an understanding? And what if we still don’t see eye to eye when we get to that bridge? Do we just shake hands and go our separate ways? I’ll be fucking 40 by then. FORTY!!! WHAT DO I DO THEN?!

Fuck you if you think my life is dependent on another person. But the thought of investing all this time and energy just so I can waste 10 years and have nothing to show for it in the end is a really fucked up thing to do. No one wants to preempt the future but FUCKING HELL. WHAT. THE FUCK. DO I DO THEN??

You’ll have to excuse me for a little bit. I think I may have written myself into a panic attack.

First of all, the CCTV catches employees on the move. Meaning to say, for women who wear skirts, walking simply makes ANY fabric ride up the leg and thus, at any point, be in violation of the 2-inch rule. If an event transpired that my skirt was measured against my leg whilst immobile, it can be seen that it is within the prescribed length.

Secondly, I understand that the Dress Code would like to address issues such as office outfit appropriateness and professionalism. I believe that none of my office clothes would suggest any impropriety. In fact, I pride myself in dressing well and within my station, not only to condition myself to behave as a supervisor, but to be someone my associates can look up to.

Thirdly, the image used in your New Dress Code Policy under Dress would show that the length of your “sample” skirt is just as long as the one in my CCTV screenshot. Your model just happens to be just standing around. I believe that it has also been discussed in having key points of entry and several monitors to address this issue and send violators home to change. However, no one had called my attention to the matter on the day I wore the skirt.

Fourthly, if vague cases for Dress Code inappropriateness carries on, I would like to request that employees’ length of skirt be measured at the lobby, WITH A RULER. Setting an exact measure also requires exact adherence from the employees and those that are tasked to impose the rules. Otherwise, any further DPFs on the matter would be hearsay, libelous, and detrimental to the performance and well-being of the employees.

To resolve the matter, I am very much willing to bring the alleged miniskirt and amenable to having it measured. I thank #YeMA for giving me the opportunity to hear my side of the matter.